Through My Eyes

Guest

Hey everyone! Well this is an old short story that I have made quite a while ago when I was trying out for a literature contest in my school a while back. I know it's not the very best, but hey, third place is better than anything right? lol Well, yeah it's not really my best work but it's suppose to be instead from a predator's pov such as the wolf, it's from the prey's pov and how it is for him. Yeah, horrible at explaining but yeah, here it is! Hope you enjoy it and it doesn't end up with giving you a headache from its blechness. Just thought it be good to share it and to get some feedback on how to improve so with that enjoyish and hope for no headaches!!

Through My Eyes

Fear is stupid, yet it has the power to mold our very being. To take control of us deep within its clutches and never let go; to have us living in constant anxiety and desperation. Some say in order to break free from it, we must overcome our deepest fear; but at what expenses? What risks are we taking; fatal mistakes or blissful freedom from it? What is it? I don’t think I could ever know, I live by fear each and every day of my life, it’s my only means of survival, or so I am told…

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Ever since I was a youngling I was told to fear the saber toothed ones for they were the ones who have turned against the rest of us and have ate almost anyone they can catch; especially my kind.

My mother, as graceful as any other within our herd always cared and kept me safe by her side, always telling me to never stray away. I listened obediently, but was curious one day and asked why I can’t go to the meadow that we saw close by with a few others.

I bellowed weakly, as I pranced around her, begging if I could go. I felt the wind caress soothingly over me, gently blowing against my short fur and kissing gentle warm kisses on my skin beneath.

My mother, with gentle caramel eyes focused on me as she raised her head from the delicious patch of grass in front of her. Her short fur was a sandy brown, lighter than mine that went into a deeper brown as it went down her legs around her hooves. Her ears and short tail were also that marvelous color as well. It suited her well for she was one of the beautiful ones within our herd that many males tried to fight for.

Luckily, my father was chosen by her, for he was the one she truly loved. My father, I can’t remember his face that much anymore.

I remember late one night we almost ran into a saber toothed one. It was the first time I ever saw its kind; but mother told me not all saber toothed ones look like the one we encountered that night.

The one I saw that night was enormous, bigger than my father and his mighty antlers that he used to try and fend him off; but that made things only worse.

The creature had long, thick fur, that made him look chunky and slow, but he wasn’t. It has a menacing road that made me bellow weakly in fear as I tried to call for my father. I heard him, snorting and grunting roughly, stomping his hoofs onto the earth, embedding prints within.

The grizzly saber toothed one simply saw this as a challenge I suppose, as he rose off the ground and stood on his hind legs. I never knew that possible for a creature as big as he was but it was. It had the foulest of odors, from rotten decaying molars of it’s mouth, chipped and grounded teeth that still were deadly to the touch.

Father, pranced around him, trying to avoid contact with the beast’s blunt claws that were constantly trying to swat him. The rest of the herd was already on the move, they were leaving him behind, their own leader.

I didn’t want to run but I was too scared, once I saw mother I scrambled to her side as fast as I could. She gave me a quick nudged before turning to see father and called for him before heading off as well towards the opposite direction from him with me close behind.

I felt my heart stuck within my throat as I glanced back and saw the grizzly creature knock father down so easily with its weight. I heard father’s last blood curdling bellows before being cut short that was the last that I ever saw of him.

Seasons have come and gone, and I have grew up into a magnificent buck, as my mother had always said to me before she too fell into the clutches of a saber toothed one, this time was different though, for it was not the grizzly enormous beast that took my father’s last breath but instead it was a silent stalker, one who was light on her feet and easily made her way just a few inches away from our herd.

I first saw her when it came for me, I was reckless and wandering from the herd until I heard it’s heart stopping screech. I faced it with trembling legs, barely able to stand on my own, held not only by fear but fascination of the creature.

It had long whiskers that was just above it’s mouth, dead beady eyes that held only it’s target in it’s sight. It had a slender yet well built body, perfect for in agility and strength as I soon found out.

It moved faster than I could have ever imagined, I never had the chance to move until I heard my mother bellow out to me and step between me and the creature as it hisses and extracted it’s claws at my mother. Perfectly avoiding my mother’s deadly blows of the hooves with a swerve of its body. Its long tail bounced along with it elegantly, like a flowing ribbon that helped it keep its balance.

Before I could analysis it anymore my mother urged me to run, and so I did. That was the last time I ever saw my mother.

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Fear has guided me my entire life, and this is where it has left me; the leader of my herd. Why? Why would someone as cowardous as me? I never understood but I kept on fighting for my life, never taking risks as I have when I was younger and never looking back and reflecting my mistakes.

I met my fate when I encountered a pack of ravenous creatures on a freezing winter night. Their whines, yips, and howls filled the empty air, sending shivers down my spine. I should have known better by experience, to never break from the herd, but I was cold and weary; my mind toyed with my reality telling me it was safer to leave the herd behind and to run while the saber toothed ones focused on my herd.

And that wasn’t a coward’s act? To run off and leave your herd behind when they depended on you? No, it didn’t matter, survival mattered now.

That was my mistake as I soon began to hear the whines and barks and heavy pants from a group of saber tooths who chased me down until I could run no more. I tried and tried to fend them off but with little success, only was able to kill off one with a thrust to its skull. But that got them more alerted, more determined, something that was slowly escaping my very being as I collapsed to the ground.

I could barely breathe, and my hearing was slowly fading away. I couldn’t pick my head up but I saw them coming closer and closer, each drooling with excitement and hunger. Once they pounced on me I felt nothing, no more pain as I slowly slipped into an unknown oblivion.

Subject: Re: Through My Eyes Sat May 28, 2011 6:16 am

Wow that was really well written Scythe! I loved it!

Guest

thanks very much charity!! im very glad that you liked it!! ^^

Subject: Re: Through My Eyes Sat Jun 04, 2011 4:15 pm

I think you did really well with this! You portrayed emotion and betrayal very well when the father died. However, I think it dulled down a bit at the ending. It seemed to lack emotion or had less than the rest of the story. There were also some problems with punctuation--the placement of the commas in some sentences.

When you say saber toothed ones, it should be capitalized because it is their name for them. I suppose this is an opinionated action, it doesn't have to be capitalized.

I bellowed weakly, as I pranced around her, begging if I could go. Should be:
I bellowed weakly as I pranced around her, begging if I could go.

The way you read it differs with the commas and makes the reader pause at the wrong time. It sounds choppy. There were other sentences like this but other than that I think you did very well. I can't wait to read your other stories--if you decide to post more.

Hope this helped Smile

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Guest

oo, thank you very much basile!! and yes this really does help a lot!! i'll keep this in mind as i write my story and will soon maybe if i can, put a link so you can read if any of you are interested ;D

Subject: Re: Through My Eyes Tue Jun 14, 2011 3:17 pm

Brilliant story Scythe! I really enjoyed reading it.

Subject: Re: Through My Eyes Tue Jun 14, 2011 7:28 pm

I'm writing two stories at the moment and though the first one is too far along to share, the new one I am writing can still be shared with people. If you want, we can set up some kind of story exchange.

I was going to post it on here, but I'm not sure if I can post it.

Guest

Wow, absolutely brilliant story Scythe! It's well descriptive and emotional!